For most of us poor bastards, work is a fact of life. The story goes that we can thank Henry Ford for the weekly working norm of 5 days on and 2 days off. (Screw you, Henry.) Having to work is bad enough, but when you couple that with horrible officemates, the situation can become downright maddening. Most of us seek to achieve harmony with our colleagues, as we are sharing small spaces for many hours a day and have to work together to get the job done. But how do you know whether you're a good coworker or the office voodoo doll? Take this quiz to find out.
1. When I need to take a break, I:
A. Surf the Web or go outside for some fresh air
B. Go visit my coworker and chew her ear off for 40 minutes about my preferred brand of clumping cat litter
C. Review all of my ring tone choices a few times to make sure that I'm not missing out on anything really cool
D. Call my buddy P-Dawg to practice our beatbox on speakerphone
2. I need to ask someone a question but she's eating lunch at her desk. I:
A. Ask her the question via email
B. Go back to my desk and then call her on the phone
C. Go up to her anyway and just start talking
D. Scream over from my desk, "Hey, can you c'mere when you're finally done eating?"
3. When I use the office kitchen, I:
A. Make sure to wipe up any spills and throw out my garbage
B. Heat up my fish and cabbage leftovers and leave them in the microwave until I'm good and ready to go get them
C. Open the fridge, see whose lunch looks better than mine, shove it in a bag, and casually traipse back to my desk
D. Don't bother throwing away a carton of sour milk; that's the cleaning staff's job
4. During meetings, I like to:
A. Listen attentively, take notes, and speak when I think I have something useful to contribute to the discussion
B. Not wait until someone else is finished speaking because what I have to say is way more important and interesting
C. Pass notes with inside jokes to the person sitting next to me
D. Eat an egg-salad sandwich and talk with my mouth open
5. My philosophy on personal hygiene at the office is this:
A. I strive to dress neatly and smell clean
B. As long as I'm wearing enough perfume, it doesn't matter that I haven't showered all week
C. Why should I bother washing my hands when you have a bottle of Purell?
D. If I gotta fart in the elevator, then I'm gonna fart in the elevator
If you answered anything but A to any of these questions, then at least two of your coworkers are sending out emails with a horrifically Photoshopped picture of you and livestock in a compromising position right now. Please remember the following:
-- We all can use a break every once in a while, but ask first before you interrupt someone else's work time. And if you are incapable of doing that, then at least have the decency to interrupt with something interesting. If your nonwork conversation exceeds 10 minutes, go have it somewhere outside of the office -- because you look like a lazy slacker and you're making the person you interrupted look that way too.
--The lunch break is sacred! If someone is eating lunch at their desk, get the hell away until they're done. Not only does everyone deserve some quiet nonwork time, but no one wants to have to speak with salad stuck in their teeth.
--Don't let the office kitchen become a bug-infested toxic waste dump. This isn't your home, but it's your home away from home and your coworkers' too. Don't leave behind smears, drips, mold, bad smells, Big Mac wrappers, or anything else. And don't expect the janitorial staff to bus your table for you, you elitist pig.
--Meetings can make or break you at work. If you're not confident about what you have to say, then don't speak just for the sake of hearing your own voice. Everyone will be able to see right through you and know that you're not prepared. Also, this isn't high school; trying to be the class clown or rebel is just tired, pathetic, and beyond unprofessional. Avoid being the office A-hole.
--If people are consistently moving away from you when you speak to them, chances are, you smell. Accept, find a way to fix it, and then keep at it. Please note that applying anything more than a squirt of cologne or perfume is not an acceptable solution, as many people are very sensitive to certain perfumey smells. Especially the kind that call to mind IROC-Z's, gold chains, and sweaty chest hair.
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