You're at work. The atmosphere is very tense as everyone rushes madly to meet a killer deadline. The only way you've been able to pound out your assignment at warp speed is by drinking 3 cups of black coffee within the past 90 minutes. All is going well and it looks like you're going to finish on time, except...what the heck is that rumbling??? Suddenly nothing else matters. You don't care about the goddamned assignment. Hell, you don't even care if you get fired. Right now, nothing is more important than getting to the bathroom before you mess yourself in public. You get out of your chair and attempt to casually sashay through the office so that no one can guess your critical mission. You try to smile and say hello to a few coworkers even though you can feel the black wave within about to crest. Now you are out the door and in the hallway. Yes -- sweet, sweet relief will be yours in just a moment. You open the bathroom door, almost jubilantly, ready to prepare your throne with a protective layer of toilet paper. Except...there are pubes and pee all over the seat. And there is no toilet paper. Sonofafriggingsonofabitch!! You check the paper towel dispenser. Nada. You cannot believe that this is happening. You weigh your options but then your intestine, with a powerful jolt, decides for you. You resign yourself to using your socks. Your fate is so cruel that you don't even give a rat's ass about the poor sucker who's going to be forced to confront the poo-filled anklets you've lovingly placed in the wastebasket.
This little scenario may be on the extreme end of bathroom horror stories, but we can eradicate such occurrences if we follow these 4 golden -- pun intended -- rules:
1. Clean up after yourself. If it wasn't there before you used the toilet and it is there now, then the likelihood is high that you are the one who did it. (There is a slight chance that faeries did it, but that happens very rarely.) If you need a nursery rhyme to help you remember not to urinate, defecate, or shed pubic hair on something that someone else will use, try the classic "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie."
2. No toilet paper? Alert! Alert! If you took the last of any paper that can be used for wiping one's nether regions and then exit the bathroom without doing anything, it will come back around to you tenfold, and you better hope that you're wearing socks on that day. Leave tissues from your purse. Put a Post-it note on the door ("No toilet paper!"). Find a member of the facilities or janitorial staff. Do something. Do not leave your fellow human paperless.
3. Flush until it is all gone. Even if it takes 3 or 4 flushes. Yes, we do live in increasingly green times and don't want to waste water unnecessarily, but I think that making all of one's diarrhea or vomit or "lady's special time of the month" go bye-bye falls under the category of necessary.
4. Wash your hands. Even if you haven't touched your naked parts, you have touched a door that was touched by someone else who touched their naked parts and didn't wash their hands. So somewhere along the line you came into contact with urine or fecal matter. Think about that next time you rush out of the bathroom to go to lunch and eat something finger-lickin' good.
This little scenario may be on the extreme end of bathroom horror stories, but we can eradicate such occurrences if we follow these 4 golden -- pun intended -- rules:
1. Clean up after yourself. If it wasn't there before you used the toilet and it is there now, then the likelihood is high that you are the one who did it. (There is a slight chance that faeries did it, but that happens very rarely.) If you need a nursery rhyme to help you remember not to urinate, defecate, or shed pubic hair on something that someone else will use, try the classic "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie."
2. No toilet paper? Alert! Alert! If you took the last of any paper that can be used for wiping one's nether regions and then exit the bathroom without doing anything, it will come back around to you tenfold, and you better hope that you're wearing socks on that day. Leave tissues from your purse. Put a Post-it note on the door ("No toilet paper!"). Find a member of the facilities or janitorial staff. Do something. Do not leave your fellow human paperless.
3. Flush until it is all gone. Even if it takes 3 or 4 flushes. Yes, we do live in increasingly green times and don't want to waste water unnecessarily, but I think that making all of one's diarrhea or vomit or "lady's special time of the month" go bye-bye falls under the category of necessary.
4. Wash your hands. Even if you haven't touched your naked parts, you have touched a door that was touched by someone else who touched their naked parts and didn't wash their hands. So somewhere along the line you came into contact with urine or fecal matter. Think about that next time you rush out of the bathroom to go to lunch and eat something finger-lickin' good.
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