Public Transportation Series: Airplane Etiquette

Air travel used to be exciting. Glamorous, even. Now it's just cause for fear and loathing (and pulling the old switcheroo with the Poland Spring and the Bombay Sapphire bought at Duty-Free). All of the horror stories of the past few years -- being held hostage for hours on the tarmac, nonfunctioning toilets, celebrity passengers getting drunk and going apeshit on flight attendants -- have turned flying into a necessary evil for getting from here to there. But now that the cost of gas has made flying a couple towns over just about cheaper than driving, there's a good chance that you'll be flying in the near future. Therefore, it's time for some tips to preserve peace in the potentially very unfriendly skies. Please note that these are tips for passengers; the ways in which the airlines continue to torture their clientele is beyond disgusting, so we must do what we can to help ourselves and our fellow travelers. OK, earn your wings:

Be a delight for the senses. We can't open the windows. Therefore, please try your hardest not to smell. Shower before you leave your house. Apply deodorant. Brush your teeth. Bring gum if you have stank-mouth. As for foot comfort, yes, it feels good to take off your shoes when your feet start swelling from the pressure change. If your feet are of the odiferous variety, though, please mask them with some clean socks. As for the smells that come from the midbody region, everyone around you would very much appreciate if you could save them for the lavatory. If you have an ongoing situation that is not going to be remedied by 1 or 2 bathroom trips, allow me to suggest simethicone, which is sold as Gas-X, Mylanta Gas Relief, and other brands. In an airplane, you really must consider those around you: People don't like icky smells. People really don't like icky smells that they can't get away from. Don't be an icky smell.

Kids are cute -- to a point. I love children and can't wait to have my own. I find most of them very smart, interesting, and endearing. But unless you're going to pay me by the hour, let me order pizza, and drive me home, don't expect me to babysit your kid for you on the plane. Once on an international flight, I had an empty seat next to me that a curious and bored 6-year-old boy decided to check out. His mom did a drive-by to make sure that he was ok and that I wasn't some weirdo perv. I was happy to have his company. An hour and a half later, though, I could have killed the kid and his mom. The mom never told me where she was sitting, so I had no idea where to return her now whiny, kicking, hitting, hair-pulling little brat. And the kid wouldn't tell me either. After another 20 minutes the mom finally came back to pick up her son and apologized for falling asleep. Forget the fact that my flight was ruined; this lady left her child with a complete stranger for almost 2 hours. You know how you're supposed to watch your luggage to make sure nothing bad happens to it? Do the same with your children.

If you must be a mover, don't be a shaker. You know what really sucks? When all you want to do on the plane is sleep and some jackass keeps grabbing the headrest of your seat every time he gets up, catapulting your head into the seat in front of you. When it happens more than twice, I like to time it just right so that I stick my leg out and trip jackass as he is trying to pass by. Unfortunately that makes jackass grab for other people's headrests. But it's still funny for about 2 minutes.

Wipe your tray! The airlines used to clean in between flights. They would vacuum, replace blankets with freshly laundered ones, and put protective coverings on headrests so that you wouldn't contract lice from the person who occupied your place previously. Now we're lucky if flight attendants have time to remove the used vomit bags from the seat pockets before they herd the next batch of passengers onboard. Here's a golden rule that you can apply on the plane and in every facet of life: If You Make A Mess, Clean It Up. When I pull out the tray to enjoy my hearty complimentary airplane meal of dollhouse-sized munchy mix, I do not want to see the remnants of your Popeye's ExtraValue FatFace Bucket. Take a napkin, wet it if you have to, and make nice wipey-wipes so that all the food go bye-bye.

If you need to get drunk, do it with class. Make it quick and painless so that you just pass out for the majority of the flight. Don't subject others to it. When you're 45 years old, and you take off your shirt, and you keep calling the flight attendant "sweetheart" and winking at her for more drinks, and referencing Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and asking other passengers if they want to "party," we're definitely laughing at you.