Air travel used to be exciting. Glamorous, even. Now it's just cause for fear and loathing (and pulling the old switcheroo with the Poland Spring and the Bombay Sapphire bought at Duty-Free). All of the horror stories of the past few years -- being held hostage for hours on the tarmac, nonfunctioning toilets, celebrity passengers getting drunk and going apeshit on flight attendants -- have turned flying into a necessary evil for getting from here to there. But now that the cost of gas has made flying a couple towns over just about cheaper than driving, there's a good chance that you'll be flying in the near future. Therefore, it's time for some tips to preserve peace in the potentially very unfriendly skies. Please note that these are tips for passengers; the ways in which the airlines continue to torture their clientele is beyond disgusting, so we must do what we can to help ourselves and our fellow travelers. OK, earn your wings:
Be a delight for the senses. We can't open the windows. Therefore, please try your hardest not to smell. Shower before you leave your house. Apply deodorant. Brush your teeth. Bring gum if you have stank-mouth. As for foot comfort, yes, it feels good to take off your shoes when your feet start swelling from the pressure change. If your feet are of the odiferous variety, though, please mask them with some clean socks. As for the smells that come from the midbody region, everyone around you would very much appreciate if you could save them for the lavatory. If you have an ongoing situation that is not going to be remedied by 1 or 2 bathroom trips, allow me to suggest simethicone, which is sold as Gas-X, Mylanta Gas Relief, and other brands. In an airplane, you really must consider those around you: People don't like icky smells. People really don't like icky smells that they can't get away from. Don't be an icky smell.
Kids are cute -- to a point. I love children and can't wait to have my own. I find most of them very smart, interesting, and endearing. But unless you're going to pay me by the hour, let me order pizza, and drive me home, don't expect me to babysit your kid for you on the plane. Once on an international flight, I had an empty seat next to me that a curious and bored 6-year-old boy decided to check out. His mom did a drive-by to make sure that he was ok and that I wasn't some weirdo perv. I was happy to have his company. An hour and a half later, though, I could have killed the kid and his mom. The mom never told me where she was sitting, so I had no idea where to return her now whiny, kicking, hitting, hair-pulling little brat. And the kid wouldn't tell me either. After another 20 minutes the mom finally came back to pick up her son and apologized for falling asleep. Forget the fact that my flight was ruined; this lady left her child with a complete stranger for almost 2 hours. You know how you're supposed to watch your luggage to make sure nothing bad happens to it? Do the same with your children.
If you must be a mover, don't be a shaker. You know what really sucks? When all you want to do on the plane is sleep and some jackass keeps grabbing the headrest of your seat every time he gets up, catapulting your head into the seat in front of you. When it happens more than twice, I like to time it just right so that I stick my leg out and trip jackass as he is trying to pass by. Unfortunately that makes jackass grab for other people's headrests. But it's still funny for about 2 minutes.
Wipe your tray! The airlines used to clean in between flights. They would vacuum, replace blankets with freshly laundered ones, and put protective coverings on headrests so that you wouldn't contract lice from the person who occupied your place previously. Now we're lucky if flight attendants have time to remove the used vomit bags from the seat pockets before they herd the next batch of passengers onboard. Here's a golden rule that you can apply on the plane and in every facet of life: If You Make A Mess, Clean It Up. When I pull out the tray to enjoy my hearty complimentary airplane meal of dollhouse-sized munchy mix, I do not want to see the remnants of your Popeye's ExtraValue FatFace Bucket. Take a napkin, wet it if you have to, and make nice wipey-wipes so that all the food go bye-bye.
If you need to get drunk, do it with class. Make it quick and painless so that you just pass out for the majority of the flight. Don't subject others to it. When you're 45 years old, and you take off your shirt, and you keep calling the flight attendant "sweetheart" and winking at her for more drinks, and referencing Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and asking other passengers if they want to "party," we're definitely laughing at you.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Office Life: QUIZ: Are You the Annoying Coworker???
For most of us poor bastards, work is a fact of life. The story goes that we can thank Henry Ford for the weekly working norm of 5 days on and 2 days off. (Screw you, Henry.) Having to work is bad enough, but when you couple that with horrible officemates, the situation can become downright maddening. Most of us seek to achieve harmony with our colleagues, as we are sharing small spaces for many hours a day and have to work together to get the job done. But how do you know whether you're a good coworker or the office voodoo doll? Take this quiz to find out.
1. When I need to take a break, I:
A. Surf the Web or go outside for some fresh air
B. Go visit my coworker and chew her ear off for 40 minutes about my preferred brand of clumping cat litter
C. Review all of my ring tone choices a few times to make sure that I'm not missing out on anything really cool
D. Call my buddy P-Dawg to practice our beatbox on speakerphone
2. I need to ask someone a question but she's eating lunch at her desk. I:
A. Ask her the question via email
B. Go back to my desk and then call her on the phone
C. Go up to her anyway and just start talking
D. Scream over from my desk, "Hey, can you c'mere when you're finally done eating?"
3. When I use the office kitchen, I:
A. Make sure to wipe up any spills and throw out my garbage
B. Heat up my fish and cabbage leftovers and leave them in the microwave until I'm good and ready to go get them
C. Open the fridge, see whose lunch looks better than mine, shove it in a bag, and casually traipse back to my desk
D. Don't bother throwing away a carton of sour milk; that's the cleaning staff's job
4. During meetings, I like to:
A. Listen attentively, take notes, and speak when I think I have something useful to contribute to the discussion
B. Not wait until someone else is finished speaking because what I have to say is way more important and interesting
C. Pass notes with inside jokes to the person sitting next to me
D. Eat an egg-salad sandwich and talk with my mouth open
5. My philosophy on personal hygiene at the office is this:
A. I strive to dress neatly and smell clean
B. As long as I'm wearing enough perfume, it doesn't matter that I haven't showered all week
C. Why should I bother washing my hands when you have a bottle of Purell?
D. If I gotta fart in the elevator, then I'm gonna fart in the elevator
If you answered anything but A to any of these questions, then at least two of your coworkers are sending out emails with a horrifically Photoshopped picture of you and livestock in a compromising position right now. Please remember the following:
-- We all can use a break every once in a while, but ask first before you interrupt someone else's work time. And if you are incapable of doing that, then at least have the decency to interrupt with something interesting. If your nonwork conversation exceeds 10 minutes, go have it somewhere outside of the office -- because you look like a lazy slacker and you're making the person you interrupted look that way too.
--The lunch break is sacred! If someone is eating lunch at their desk, get the hell away until they're done. Not only does everyone deserve some quiet nonwork time, but no one wants to have to speak with salad stuck in their teeth.
--Don't let the office kitchen become a bug-infested toxic waste dump. This isn't your home, but it's your home away from home and your coworkers' too. Don't leave behind smears, drips, mold, bad smells, Big Mac wrappers, or anything else. And don't expect the janitorial staff to bus your table for you, you elitist pig.
--Meetings can make or break you at work. If you're not confident about what you have to say, then don't speak just for the sake of hearing your own voice. Everyone will be able to see right through you and know that you're not prepared. Also, this isn't high school; trying to be the class clown or rebel is just tired, pathetic, and beyond unprofessional. Avoid being the office A-hole.
--If people are consistently moving away from you when you speak to them, chances are, you smell. Accept, find a way to fix it, and then keep at it. Please note that applying anything more than a squirt of cologne or perfume is not an acceptable solution, as many people are very sensitive to certain perfumey smells. Especially the kind that call to mind IROC-Z's, gold chains, and sweaty chest hair.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The Spreading of the Legs
Folks, we need to talk about something a tad sensitive: spreading one's legs in public. In the past year it seems to have become the go-to ploy of certain female celebrities hoping to spark a little publicity. But I'm fairly certain, Ms. Lindsay Lohan, that a salacious view up your skirt is not going to inspire anyone of any clout in the film industry to hand you that "real actor" role you've been craving. I'm sure that it will inspire plenty of people in a different kind of film industry, however.
Why do I abhor leg spreading so? I have my reasons -- for men and women. Here they are:
For the Men:
Guys, your leg spreadage is particularly bothersome in shared spaces, such as public transportation, movie theaters, etc. Are you trying to establish some sort of eminent domain or squatter's rights? Spreading your legs out doesn't entitle you to maintain that position for the duration of the ride, movie, or what have you. If room needs to be made for others, then them legs of yours will just have to accommodate. I'm sorry, but I don't buy into your theory about needing to "breathe" or "give the big guy some room," only because I've seen plenty of men sit normally. It can be done. Unless you recently had urologic-related surgery or have "elephantitis of the balls" (thank you, John Bender from The Breakfast Club), male leg spreadage does not appear to be a mandatory biological need. If your goal is to impress others with the sheer girth of your manhood, well, I'm again sorry to say that most of the time we just don't see anything particularly special down there. Maybe wear tighter pants?
For the Women:
Ladies (if you indeed aspire to be), your leg-spreading has consequences more serious than taking up extra room in public. In your case, I am concerned with women's own growing lack of respect for the female body. Until recently, a woman's private parts were indeed private; in fact, they were regarded as a sanctum sanctorum. (Wikipedia has a tidy little entry on this term if you have no idea what it means.) Nowadays, however, they're common fodder for gossip sites and magazines, to the point where people freely criticize women's personal grooming proclivities and the aesthetic after-effects of giving birth. Women, if you see nothing wrong with this then you need a reality check. Why would you allow your (and your sisters') most private anatomy to be put on display and potentially ridiculed? Our parts have the capacity to bring forth other human beings. Can't you see the sacredness in that? Gain some self-respect, take back your bodies, wear underwear, and for God's sake, sit like a lady!
Why do I abhor leg spreading so? I have my reasons -- for men and women. Here they are:
For the Men:
Guys, your leg spreadage is particularly bothersome in shared spaces, such as public transportation, movie theaters, etc. Are you trying to establish some sort of eminent domain or squatter's rights? Spreading your legs out doesn't entitle you to maintain that position for the duration of the ride, movie, or what have you. If room needs to be made for others, then them legs of yours will just have to accommodate. I'm sorry, but I don't buy into your theory about needing to "breathe" or "give the big guy some room," only because I've seen plenty of men sit normally. It can be done. Unless you recently had urologic-related surgery or have "elephantitis of the balls" (thank you, John Bender from The Breakfast Club), male leg spreadage does not appear to be a mandatory biological need. If your goal is to impress others with the sheer girth of your manhood, well, I'm again sorry to say that most of the time we just don't see anything particularly special down there. Maybe wear tighter pants?
For the Women:
Ladies (if you indeed aspire to be), your leg-spreading has consequences more serious than taking up extra room in public. In your case, I am concerned with women's own growing lack of respect for the female body. Until recently, a woman's private parts were indeed private; in fact, they were regarded as a sanctum sanctorum. (Wikipedia has a tidy little entry on this term if you have no idea what it means.) Nowadays, however, they're common fodder for gossip sites and magazines, to the point where people freely criticize women's personal grooming proclivities and the aesthetic after-effects of giving birth. Women, if you see nothing wrong with this then you need a reality check. Why would you allow your (and your sisters') most private anatomy to be put on display and potentially ridiculed? Our parts have the capacity to bring forth other human beings. Can't you see the sacredness in that? Gain some self-respect, take back your bodies, wear underwear, and for God's sake, sit like a lady!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Public Transportation Series: Subway Etiquette
I love the subway because I can ride from Yankee Stadium to Coney Island on 2 bucks. And when lunchtime street traffic is horrendous, I can snicker at all of the out-of-town sissies stuck in cabs, go underground, and reach my destination in a fraction of the time. It's convenient and still a pretty good deal, all things considered. But I hate the subway for one distinct reason: There are other people on it.
No other venue in the past decade has been the scene of my potential downfall more than the subway. I will never forget Mouth Boy (the weirdo who decided to rest his mouth on my hand as I was holding on to the pole near his seat), Mr. Gratification (who couldn't wait until he was home to get in touch with his manhood), or Ms. Clip 'n' Spit (who in one 15-minute ride managed to trim her fingernails and fling the clippings all over the place AND eat an orange and spit the pits on to the floor). In all of these cases I fought the urge to react and either moved away or held my tongue. The last straw, however, was the wacko who leaned over me and sang "From the Halls of Montezuma" at the top of his lungs. By the time I got done screaming at him, everyone on the train thought that I was the wacko. And then I beat it out of town for a few days to regroup.
The subway's close quarters and no way out between stops call for everyone to be on their best behavior. In my experience, the majority of people are considerate of others' needs and can feel the unspoken collective subway goal: the avoidance of conflict. To those of you who are still looking out for #1, however, and don't give a flying flip about your fellow passenger, may you someday wind up trapped in a 100°F subway car with 500 people who smell like 3-day-old solid waste festering in a garbage can in the middle of July. To those of you who are looking to improve, I offer the following pointers for your consideration.
Be conscious of the space around you. This means not blocking the doors so that people can get on and off the train quickly. If some fool has taken up residence in the doorway as if he owns it and will not move even after you've said "Excuse me" repeatedly, you are well within your rights to shove said fool in order to enter or exit. Make sure to use your elbows.
Contain yourself. Unless your briefcase paid its own subway fare, it should not be taking up a seat when there are no seats left for actual people. Put your stuff on your lap or on the floor. I don't care if your bag is a Fendi. Remember the rock-paper-scissors game? My ass crush your purse.
If you must eat or drink on the train, please, please don't let it be something stinky or messy. When it's early on a rainy Monday morning, the last thing anyone wants to smell is an egg sandwich. Anywhere else it's fine, but here it takes on a putrid life of its own. There is potential for mass simultaneous horking. As for coffee, we all understand its importance, but if you haven't yet mastered drinking out of a cup while on a moving object, then drink it at home or wait until you get to the office. No ones wants to step in a brown, sticky stream. Ever. If, for some reason, you can't imagine a subway ride without the comfort of peanuts, for the love of God, put the shells somewhere other than the floor. This isn't the Ground Round.
Give up your seat. Can we please be more humane? If you see an elderly person, a pregnant woman, or someone who is obviously disabled, sick, or injured, get the heck up and let them sit. Reading a book or newspaper or talking on your cell phone does not give you "immunity." Nor does having had a rough day at work. Someone else's discomfort trumps your inconvenience. Look up every few minutes and see whether there's someone in need of a seat.
Watch your noise level. Yes, you have the right to play your iPod as loud as it goes, and no, I don't own you, so technically you can scream at each other across the subway car all you want. But do you have to? Besides the fact that these acts show how self-important and immature people can be, they're often like torture to everyone else. I have seen people become extremely agitated because of loud talkers and blaring music in a confined space -- like ticking time bombs. No one's asking for silence (well, I am but I know that's not realistic), just respect. There's no reason why we all have to endure your 10-minute cell phone call about the guy who didn't call you back even after you spent the whole night together doing body shots. I have to give special dispensation to college-kid "actors," however; please never stop telling us all how fabulous and talented you are. Everyone enjoys a good laugh.
No other venue in the past decade has been the scene of my potential downfall more than the subway. I will never forget Mouth Boy (the weirdo who decided to rest his mouth on my hand as I was holding on to the pole near his seat), Mr. Gratification (who couldn't wait until he was home to get in touch with his manhood), or Ms. Clip 'n' Spit (who in one 15-minute ride managed to trim her fingernails and fling the clippings all over the place AND eat an orange and spit the pits on to the floor). In all of these cases I fought the urge to react and either moved away or held my tongue. The last straw, however, was the wacko who leaned over me and sang "From the Halls of Montezuma" at the top of his lungs. By the time I got done screaming at him, everyone on the train thought that I was the wacko. And then I beat it out of town for a few days to regroup.
The subway's close quarters and no way out between stops call for everyone to be on their best behavior. In my experience, the majority of people are considerate of others' needs and can feel the unspoken collective subway goal: the avoidance of conflict. To those of you who are still looking out for #1, however, and don't give a flying flip about your fellow passenger, may you someday wind up trapped in a 100°F subway car with 500 people who smell like 3-day-old solid waste festering in a garbage can in the middle of July. To those of you who are looking to improve, I offer the following pointers for your consideration.
Be conscious of the space around you. This means not blocking the doors so that people can get on and off the train quickly. If some fool has taken up residence in the doorway as if he owns it and will not move even after you've said "Excuse me" repeatedly, you are well within your rights to shove said fool in order to enter or exit. Make sure to use your elbows.
Contain yourself. Unless your briefcase paid its own subway fare, it should not be taking up a seat when there are no seats left for actual people. Put your stuff on your lap or on the floor. I don't care if your bag is a Fendi. Remember the rock-paper-scissors game? My ass crush your purse.
If you must eat or drink on the train, please, please don't let it be something stinky or messy. When it's early on a rainy Monday morning, the last thing anyone wants to smell is an egg sandwich. Anywhere else it's fine, but here it takes on a putrid life of its own. There is potential for mass simultaneous horking. As for coffee, we all understand its importance, but if you haven't yet mastered drinking out of a cup while on a moving object, then drink it at home or wait until you get to the office. No ones wants to step in a brown, sticky stream. Ever. If, for some reason, you can't imagine a subway ride without the comfort of peanuts, for the love of God, put the shells somewhere other than the floor. This isn't the Ground Round.
Give up your seat. Can we please be more humane? If you see an elderly person, a pregnant woman, or someone who is obviously disabled, sick, or injured, get the heck up and let them sit. Reading a book or newspaper or talking on your cell phone does not give you "immunity." Nor does having had a rough day at work. Someone else's discomfort trumps your inconvenience. Look up every few minutes and see whether there's someone in need of a seat.
Watch your noise level. Yes, you have the right to play your iPod as loud as it goes, and no, I don't own you, so technically you can scream at each other across the subway car all you want. But do you have to? Besides the fact that these acts show how self-important and immature people can be, they're often like torture to everyone else. I have seen people become extremely agitated because of loud talkers and blaring music in a confined space -- like ticking time bombs. No one's asking for silence (well, I am but I know that's not realistic), just respect. There's no reason why we all have to endure your 10-minute cell phone call about the guy who didn't call you back even after you spent the whole night together doing body shots. I have to give special dispensation to college-kid "actors," however; please never stop telling us all how fabulous and talented you are. Everyone enjoys a good laugh.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
QUIZ: What Kind of Audience Member Are You?
1. I go to concerts so that I can:
A. Listen to my favorite musicians perform live
B. Hear new music and be inspired
C. Get a buzz off the energy of everyone enjoying the same music at the same time
D. Sing along loudly with every song to show everyone that I know all the lyrics and have awesome rock chops, too
2. When I am at the movies:
A. I like to be able to hear all of the dialogue and appreciate the cinematography
B. I enjoy snacking but am careful to open wrappers quietly and not eat or drink too noisily
C. I make sure that I am not kicking the seat in front of me
D. I take cell phone calls, put my feet up, talk to my buddy about the shortie I did last night, and yell back at the screen as if the actors are talking directly to me
3. When I am at a play that is not very good, I:
A. Wait for intermission and then I leave
B. Bide my time by reading the Playbill
C. Try to find something to appreciate, such as the set or costumes
D. Lean over to my date and say, "Yo, this is retarded!", laugh uncontrollably, and walk out in the middle of a scene
4. I just won 2 tickets to the opera. I think I will wear:
A. A dark-colored suit
B. My blue velvet dress
C. The blouse and nice pants that I wore to work
D. Jeans and a hoodie -- like, duh?
Answers:
If you answered "D" to any of these, then I am sorry to have to tell you that you suck and everyone wants to hit you. When you attend a performance, be it on stage or screen, remember the following:
Leave the art to the artists. No one in the room paid $100 a ticket to listen to you. And no matter how much attention you call to yourself, you are not going to be "discovered" and become "the next big thing."
Respect your fellow audience members. Most people go to a performance because they are interested in or curious about the material being presented. Please respect the fact that there are people among you who want to escape in the art, hone their own craft by watching others perform, or simply want to relax and enjoy a performance without being disturbed.
Respect the artists. Even if a performance is not at all enjoyable, the people giving it probably worked very hard to get to where they are now. If you can't respect them, at least give them your sympathy. But do not interrupt the show to "make a statement" -- the cast will get all the statement they need from The New York Times review the next day.
Respect yourself. Not everyone is, or can afford to be, a patron of the arts. But when you have the opportunity to attend something "high brow," respect the grand tradition and dress up a little. You do not have to wear a tuxedo or a ballgown, but at least put on a decent pair of pants and shoes. It's so very disappointing to be in a beautiful opera house and see people wearing jeans and sneakers; it destroys the fantasy of a glamorous night out. Save that stuff for the movies.
A. Listen to my favorite musicians perform live
B. Hear new music and be inspired
C. Get a buzz off the energy of everyone enjoying the same music at the same time
D. Sing along loudly with every song to show everyone that I know all the lyrics and have awesome rock chops, too
2. When I am at the movies:
A. I like to be able to hear all of the dialogue and appreciate the cinematography
B. I enjoy snacking but am careful to open wrappers quietly and not eat or drink too noisily
C. I make sure that I am not kicking the seat in front of me
D. I take cell phone calls, put my feet up, talk to my buddy about the shortie I did last night, and yell back at the screen as if the actors are talking directly to me
3. When I am at a play that is not very good, I:
A. Wait for intermission and then I leave
B. Bide my time by reading the Playbill
C. Try to find something to appreciate, such as the set or costumes
D. Lean over to my date and say, "Yo, this is retarded!", laugh uncontrollably, and walk out in the middle of a scene
4. I just won 2 tickets to the opera. I think I will wear:
A. A dark-colored suit
B. My blue velvet dress
C. The blouse and nice pants that I wore to work
D. Jeans and a hoodie -- like, duh?
Answers:
If you answered "D" to any of these, then I am sorry to have to tell you that you suck and everyone wants to hit you. When you attend a performance, be it on stage or screen, remember the following:
Leave the art to the artists. No one in the room paid $100 a ticket to listen to you. And no matter how much attention you call to yourself, you are not going to be "discovered" and become "the next big thing."
Respect your fellow audience members. Most people go to a performance because they are interested in or curious about the material being presented. Please respect the fact that there are people among you who want to escape in the art, hone their own craft by watching others perform, or simply want to relax and enjoy a performance without being disturbed.
Respect the artists. Even if a performance is not at all enjoyable, the people giving it probably worked very hard to get to where they are now. If you can't respect them, at least give them your sympathy. But do not interrupt the show to "make a statement" -- the cast will get all the statement they need from The New York Times review the next day.
Respect yourself. Not everyone is, or can afford to be, a patron of the arts. But when you have the opportunity to attend something "high brow," respect the grand tradition and dress up a little. You do not have to wear a tuxedo or a ballgown, but at least put on a decent pair of pants and shoes. It's so very disappointing to be in a beautiful opera house and see people wearing jeans and sneakers; it destroys the fantasy of a glamorous night out. Save that stuff for the movies.
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