Etiquette for the Modern Escalator Rider

We should be able to enjoy the convenience provided by these metal and rubber beauties without needing rules, and yet...

1. Stand on the right, walk on the left. You don't have to walk if you don't want to; you are more than free to stop and smell the shopping mall, and nobody should take that away from you. But kindly leave the left lane open to those who would like to move faster, much like highway driving. This includes shopping bags and personal affects to the best of one's ability. Feel free to spread out into the center of the escalator step -- when there's no one else around.

2. Just a little space would be nice. There's an unwritten rule that you should leave at least 1 step in between yourself and the riders in front and in back of you. This is a great unwritten rule. Let's keep it going. There's nothing creepier than feeling someone right behind you about to step on you or press against you. Unless you rather fancy that person.

3. Step lively! Especially when getting off the escalator, clear out of the way asap. A 10-person pile-up is only funny in cartoons. I know that finding the nearest WetSeal or bourbon chicken counter is, like, mad important, but I promise you that if you don't stop dead in your tracks in front of the escalator then I won't "accidentally" kick your Victoria's Secret Very Sexy bags.

4. Exit like a smart person. Besides stepping lively, step wisely. Exit straight out of the lane in which you were riding, instead of stepping diagonally into the other lane and cutting someone off as they're exiting the escalator; doing the latter will, at some point, cause you to injure someone else.

5. Make allowances. Don't be the A-hole who gets all impatient because of baby strollers, little kids, the elderly, people on crutches, and shoppers who have a lot of bags and nowhere else to put them (I suppose they could learn to balance them on their heads). Recognize that most people are doing the best that they can and that you are merely just another rider.

The Power of "Excuse Me"

In the past 6 months I have started to wonder whether I'm becoming invisible, like Dorian Gray or Marty McFly in Back to the Future. Because everywhere I go -- walking down the street, on the subway, in elevators -- it seems that people are walking right through me. OK, I know that they're not really walking right through me. And I know this because many of them inadvertently shove me, kick my feet, or, on rare occasions, airlift me a few inches. These little incidents don't usually result in personal injury but they could. And I'm still a little pissed at this one lady who stepped square on top of my kinda pricey new boots, left a mark, and didn't even say anything. Grrr.

You're busy. I'm busy. We're all busy. Everyone needs to get somewhere now, without a second to spare. But are we really too busy to excuse ourselves?

When you shove past someone without excusing yourself, essentially you are saying, "I am more important than you at this moment; acknowledging you is not worth my time." And what if you really hurt someone? You don't know whether the person you elbowed just had surgery, suffers from arthritis or some other pain condition, or is in the beginning stages of pregnancy. Or perhaps your divine right to plow through a crowd with your opened golf umbrella snagged and ruined the only nice sweater that the wearer owns.

I don't claim to be holier than thou; I've certainly bumped into my share of people, sometimes intentionally, without saying "Excuse me." But really, that's a pretty crappy thing to do to. If you need to pass someone, take the 2 seconds to excuse yourself. You and the person you're passing will both feel like better human beings for it.

Doo Doo Unto Others: The Shared Bathroom

You're at work. The atmosphere is very tense as everyone rushes madly to meet a killer deadline. The only way you've been able to pound out your assignment at warp speed is by drinking 3 cups of black coffee within the past 90 minutes. All is going well and it looks like you're going to finish on time, except...what the heck is that rumbling??? Suddenly nothing else matters. You don't care about the goddamned assignment. Hell, you don't even care if you get fired. Right now, nothing is more important than getting to the bathroom before you mess yourself in public. You get out of your chair and attempt to casually sashay through the office so that no one can guess your critical mission. You try to smile and say hello to a few coworkers even though you can feel the black wave within about to crest. Now you are out the door and in the hallway. Yes -- sweet, sweet relief will be yours in just a moment. You open the bathroom door, almost jubilantly, ready to prepare your throne with a protective layer of toilet paper. Except...there are pubes and pee all over the seat. And there is no toilet paper. Sonofafriggingsonofabitch!! You check the paper towel dispenser. Nada. You cannot believe that this is happening. You weigh your options but then your intestine, with a powerful jolt, decides for you. You resign yourself to using your socks. Your fate is so cruel that you don't even give a rat's ass about the poor sucker who's going to be forced to confront the poo-filled anklets you've lovingly placed in the wastebasket.

This little scenario may be on the extreme end of bathroom horror stories, but we can eradicate such occurrences if we follow these 4 golden -- pun intended -- rules:

1. Clean up after yourself. If it wasn't there before you used the toilet and it is there now, then the likelihood is high that you are the one who did it. (There is a slight chance that faeries did it, but that happens very rarely.) If you need a nursery rhyme to help you remember not to urinate, defecate, or shed pubic hair on something that someone else will use, try the classic "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie."

2. No toilet paper? Alert! Alert! If you took the last of any paper that can be used for wiping one's nether regions and then exit the bathroom without doing anything, it will come back around to you tenfold, and you better hope that you're wearing socks on that day. Leave tissues from your purse. Put a Post-it note on the door ("No toilet paper!"). Find a member of the facilities or janitorial staff. Do something. Do not leave your fellow human paperless.

3. Flush until it is all gone. Even if it takes 3 or 4 flushes. Yes, we do live in increasingly green times and don't want to waste water unnecessarily, but I think that making all of one's diarrhea or vomit or "lady's special time of the month" go bye-bye falls under the category of necessary.

4. Wash your hands. Even if you haven't touched your naked parts, you have touched a door that was touched by someone else who touched their naked parts and didn't wash their hands. So somewhere along the line you came into contact with urine or fecal matter. Think about that next time you rush out of the bathroom to go to lunch and eat something finger-lickin' good.

Etiquette Schmetiquette?

Etiquette -- now there's a word with a certain connotation. It's hard to not picture a lady's luncheon whose guests are neat and pretty, sitting up straight, making conversational pleasantries, daintily lifting delicate china cups to tastefully made-up lips, and using the correct silverware for each course. Merriam-Webster defines etiquette as "the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life." But how many people really care about "good breeding" in this day and age? Unless you show prize Weimaraners at the Westminster Kennel Club or are due to inherit a royal crown and must align with someone of your ilk to preserve a certain bloodline, chances are that 21st century you aspires to just not make a fool out of yourself. Even Amy Vanderbilt, the etiquette expert herself, had trouble with the word. In the introduction to the 1954 edition of her classic Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette, she writes,

The word "etiquette" for all the things I have tried to discuss is really inadequate, yet no other will do. It covers much more than "manners," the way in which we do things. It is considerably much more than a treatise on a code of social behavior…For we must all learn the socially acceptable ways of living with others in no matter what society we move. Even in primitive societies there are such rules, some of them as complex and inexplicable as many of our own. Their original raison d'être or purpose is lost, but their acceptance is still unquestioned.

What is Amy getting at? Why must we all learn the socially acceptable ways of living with others? Is etiquette really about which fork we use to eat poached salmon in aspic? I hold that the intrinsic reason for etiquette is so that we do not kill each other. Or, on a higher plane, to provide our human relationships with a safe place in which to grow, flourish, and carry on to the next generation. Which all boils down to the number-one basic human instinct: preservation of the species.

Welcome

Welcome to *Gal Wednesday and the Quest for Social Order*. I figure that if I want to call myself a responsible member of society and an upstanding citizen, I had better stop with the "accidental" hip-checking of oblivious street-pounding cell phone users. I guess the oops-my-bad tripping of gum-poppers on the subway better end too. This is an attempt to spare my life, save my passive-aggressive soul, and hopefully help others see that some common understanding of etiquette can go a long way toward promoting a collective happiness.